"What I saw today"
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The Webmaster's Wife

Anna sat opposite to her husband Mark in the bookshop’s cafe. It felt to her that he was slipping away like a golden magical ball with a momentum all of its own slowly disappearing over green rolling hills silently without drama but definitely, as if by magic vanishing. Her heart felt as if a metal weight was pressing on it and yet  she wasn’t ready to convey her fears to him, it would just make it all the more real, perhaps she was imagining that things were worse than they were. In her mind she could see one of Sophie’s paintings again showing the golden transparent golden ball with a man inside it rolling over the hills …… as if to eternity. She didn’t want this love to end, but like a terrible dread knew that it was inevitable.

“You know what I really like about coming into this bookshop?” She tried to sound light and happy lightly touched his arm to make some slight physical contact – in the past she had never had to try so hard to gain his attention.. “Well its this, I come in here intending to look for a certain author or follow up a review I’ve read in a newspaper but once I feel the atmosphere of the shop it just  takes over. I go to whichever books call me to them like this one Mapping The Edge by Sarah Dunnant....It is like a magic shop where you find and read other people’s dreams, love affairs, ambitions, politics, history, intrigue, life, death - it’s all here.” He looked back at her but his eyes looked empty and dark like the black that plastic bin liners were made of.

“Strangely you almost read your life story in here except there is always something different…… I love the coffee shops in bookshops. I daydream that I live in here and have a beautiful bed just by the arch window looking out over the high Street. She pointed to the other room where she imagined she could live. I could get up any time of the night and go into the rooms full of books,  pick one of them then back into the restaurant part. I could cook some food and get back into bed. I would look out of the window and watch people going to catch late night buses and trains or see them climb into the little bubble of their cars.. Children often daydreamed but she felt that she daydreamed more than any child or adult that she had ever known. Within escapism you can create the world you want for a while. All the people in this bookshop are kind of involved with me in some way”. Mark looked around at some of the people in the shop “Thank God their not” was all he said raising an eyebrow. They both laughed although she didn’t think it was that funny it was just her way of saying I understand your humour. She so wanted them to be close again. The emptiness echoed in the bookshop. How I wish I lived and slept in this bookshop she thought, I would never be as lonely as I am in this marriage.

It took a long time for Anna to consciously realize what was happening in her house, months had passed - an inordinately long time considering that things were changing all around her daily and affecting everyone and everything in the home – “There are none so blind as those that will not see”.  Mark’s growing interest in computers had changed him fundamentally; his priorities were now unrecognisable and she knew that she couldn’t carry on like this indefinitely, putting up with things this way was time bound. He was obsessed with computers and all things relating to them.

Computer monitors appeared where bookshelves used to be. Family days out were once very special to her - extravagant some would say, now they had almost disappeared. Things like a surprise flight to Edinburgh, concert tickets and an overnight stay. Maybe a music concert for their daughter followed by a trip to the hard Rock Cafe, pancakes for lunch in the French creperie off the high street followed by a walk on Hampstead Heath and a trip to the book shop or the DVD shop and then they would return home happily and spend the evening playing their discs or reading their new books and magazines. Their days out were always different,  they were happy times but since his involvement with computers they had just stopped doing them altogether. He had lost all interest in things that tended to take him away from a PC for very long. It was hard to believe anyone could change so much. Only a year ago they got sleeping bags out, torches, popcorn a box of chocolates with a red and gold ribbon on that he bought as a surprise  and had a fun sleep over in the lounge. They did this because Claire didn’t have brothers and sisters and Anna didn’t let her daughter go to sleepovers very often. She was still quite young and Anna worried at night if she wasn’t there…. None of them slept very much at that sleepover but they had great fun telling ghost stories and discussing happy and sad things about life as well as just silly things.. They never did things like that now there was a feeling that they were all drifting .

Not long after that night Mark bought himself a pair of headphones and often sat on the sofa plugged into the laptop happily isolated from the world around him. It was quite funny at first. Later She asked him not to do that, perhaps that was the beginning of the end, she could remember the cold flash in his eyes when she asked him to take the damn things off . . . ..
Claire didn’t request adventurous nights in the lounge like that now, she just knew her father was preoccupied. Anyway she doubted if there was room in the lounge now for them to have a sleepover because there were computers plus scanners and God knows what other equipment in there. They wouldn’t be able to sleep for whirring sounds and tiny flickering lights. In the dark the room reminded her of an airport control room.

Day trips now seemed to involve spending half a day out at a computer fair followed by uncomfortable times at the newsagents when Mark would still be studying computer and software magazines long, long; after herself and Claire had finished picking and paying for theirs, he had become selfish with his time not registering that they were politely waiting for him longer than they should have been expected to.

 All the different times when she lay in bed unable to sleep hoping that it was just a phase that would pass. When it didn’t she tried logical discussion, arguing, crying, shouting, leaving him alone, filling the house with people to distract him, she even begged him once… and although he said that things would change, they never did .

 She tried sex, it used to work. One night she wore a beautiful white alluring underwear set, poured a large gin and tonic for Mark, wine for her with some warm Italian bread, Greek cheese and olives for both of them. She sat in the white Italian leather chair with her legs slightly apart then inhaled her own perfume and spoke to to him.

He looked thoughtfully at the glasses and then frowned. He spoke sharply “I don’t want a drink while I am working what are you thinking of? “ He sounded so harsh she felt a sharp pain inside. As she watched him she thought it was like watching a character from a film that she couldn’t fully understand; he stuffed the bread into his mouth and for the first time ever she thought he looked ugly. She shouldn’t have been surprised at being ignored he more or less did it every day now. Even at the table in the dining room he would have the laptop at his place setting and even when she stood there with a plate of hot food he wouldn’t move it until she actually said can you please move it so that I can put the plate down. It is surprising how much you will put up with sometimes. If someone had told her she would be in a marriage where someone treated her like this so often she would not have believed it, yet here she was….
Clearly she should have dropped the food all over the laptop then he might have got the message as to how rude he was being to her. Instead she had this feeling of sitting in an old wooden boat on a calm sea with the mist just forming all around., she could smell sea shells and sea weed and hear the lonely empty cry of the gulls.  She got up from the leather chair and tried not to cry before she got out of the room.  Anna looked at her reflection in the beautiful antique mirror in the bedroom,  a wedding present from him, there was a certain grey blue hue to her reflection, the white lingerie and her dark long hair in that light looked attractive, although not to Mark.  In the bathroom she smashed an expensive perfume against the sink she felt so frustrated. Why was she wasting her love on him? He had changed so much.

When she told a few friends from work about the problems one of them said “One day he will let you know what all this is all really about, The True Story it probably won’t be about the computers at all, it will all link back to something else, another woman, another man, debts, drinking something different – you will see.  Prepare for a shock they told her.. She considered this and thought that if there were something else then it would be a relief – sad but a relief.
Right now it was like he was slowly drifting away from them, worse than that he was going into another world where their presence only disturbed him form his main absorption with this whole computer world. Slowly it was becoming something that she felt that she could not compete with, at first it made her feel afraid - nothing had ever come between them before. They had been so happy, so much in love, always lots of laughter and excitement and that made it all the more poignant now. This was accompanied by anger that the introduction of some new machines in her house had changed things forever – no not forever she quickly told herself. How could she take him back to the happy world where they were once content together?  Why did he love this technology with such passion and enthusiasm? It seemed to be the only thing that inspired him. Indeed the only thing that made him smile, it sounded ridiculous but it was true and she told him this so many times. 
“If you care about us get rid of the machines, all of them.”
He said it was a big thing and that he needed time to think
“Well do a big thing - before I do. If you don’t we won’t be married for much longer, I really can’t live like this with you”.
Nothing happened love was leaving the premises by the minute.
A couple of years ago he would have panicked at her words, not now though. She knew that she couldn’t bear to be humiliated again, they were on borrowed time. If the computers didn’t go then she would. All of his chances had been used up.

Why didn’t he do all the special things that he used to do?  When they got married many people said that his surprises might stop “In most marriages you just don’t get that kind of special treatment” some cynical friends said.  They were all wrong, before the internet invasion he spent time planning surprises for them he loved doing things that were out of the ordinary he never took her for granted.  So how was it that now computers could cause such havoc? Ruin their marriage, their love their fun everything?
Anna felt that with Mark she was dealing with an obsession. She loathed the Internet so much.

Strangely one evening he told her that she was spending too much time watching television, which was hilarious because apart from the news, a few property developing programmes, travel stories plus the occasional book review spot for relaxation that was the total of her viewings. In all it added up to about seven hours a week. She wondered where the magical life that they once shared had gone, completely gone. Their once happy marriage had turned into emptiness. Ice tears moved across her eyes.

He was in another world with the Internet and digital this and that, it was like he was loosing his soul his passion for nature, crazy days, thoughtful nights. It was all just mega bites, jpegs, zip files, downloads, uploads, desktop tools, magazines full of articles about computers he highlighted one called ‘The Digital Home’, it really was never ending. It was almost comical she felt like writing in to the Editor and saying ‘If you want to see a digital home come and see mine in action’ She wanted to suggest their new front page should read ‘Computers Cause Havoc In A Once Happy Home’ They would probably think she had gone mad . . . . . although they wouldn’t think that if they looked around and listened to her story. Illogically she loathed the world of the Internet.

He reminded her of a man she had once watched a documentary about, the poor chap had an accident and through no fault of his own suffered a form of amnesia which meant that he had forgotten who his whole family were and, all the interests and hobbies he had., it was strange.. He used to grow unusual flowers and plants with a passion. After his accident he didn’t bother to go out in the garden or his giant greenhouse let alone touch a plant. His wife, who didn’t know a thing about gardening, watched everything die. At least he was receiving help from doctors   who felt confident that he would, in time, make an almost full recovery. Unlike Mark she doubted if he would. He was forgetting everything he once cared about of his own free will. It hurt so much that he could let her go so easily.
The sadness at loosing the person he once was lapped like cold water around her feet. Sometimes she wanted to do something crazy like run into the offices of a computer business and scream and throw all the paperwork off everyone’s desks tell them that they were all evil ruining everyone’s life and cry so hard until they could see that computers had broken her heart, maybe then they would stop publishing these magazines encouraging people in this addiction - but really she knew that it wasn’t their fault. To most people computers were just one thing in their life why couldn’t he be like other people?

She came close to doing it one day, even drove to the car park where a computer magazine was based, but what good would that do?.  She did wonder if other people were spending hours waiting for their wives, husbands or partners to log off.
She even wanted the whole of the Internet to stop forever, that might give her a chance to go back to those happy days. To make him love her like he used to.  She knew that she wasn’t the only one who wished that the Internet would grind to a halt but knew that nothing, nothing was ever going to make that happen.

Everything felt weak that had once been strong, unhappiness seeped through the day from the moment she awoke to find him always up on the PC happy and busy. It was ironic that the unhappier she became the happier he was with life on the computer. She started to tell people about it, to see what their advice was. Almost everyone she told could see her despair and said he had to choose and that she could not be expected to live like that. Everyone said it and their words helped.

 It was time to do something, she had already talked to him endlessly, and he was so clever at avoiding the subject and analysing how he would spend less time on the machines ……But it never happened. So many wasted hours discussing how she felt that computers had become invasive, how he had changed. Oh he listened well, but he never changed, not in the slightest. She only persevered because the marriage had once been so good.

After another week of broadband downloads, ip addresses, pop3 accounts and God knows what other jargon her head was spinning. To make it worse the only way you could get to have a conversation with him was to join in these discussions about bandwidth as if you had an interest in it too, it felt all wrong.

He didn’t seem to want a family any more, all the responsibilities that he used to enjoy and make such fun for all of them had now become just ‘responsibilities’. How can people change so much, so quickly , she wondered as she stood watching the winter darkness begin to descend over the garden. She could still see the summerhouse behind the silver birch trees. The paint looked too old now rather than just faded in a comfortable happy way, the glass windows looked like dark unhappy eyes staring out. Like my eyes she thought, that is if they do reflect how I feel – I wonder if other people have noticed how I’ve changed or how Mark has. How unhappy I have become whilst every day with every new mega bite or jpeg or bandwidth speed his happiness seemed to grow stronger.  She closed the curtains on the darkening world outside and turned the lights up. She used to sit with Mark on winter nights looking out and watching the bats that flew hunting for insects illuminated for her by the garden lights. They would have a drink together with only candlelight between them and talk and laugh the hours away.  Anna had always been so happy with Mark she thought that he was too…. Not now though…. machines had replaced passion, love, laughter, conversations, walks in the woods, late night phone calls in taxis if they had to be apart for some reason. Since this obsessive interest in computers they only seemed to share food, the house and sleep.

This was such an unnatural state for them she knew it had to change soon or they were finished forever, which is a long time if you love someone. She would have to leave him, no one should throw their lives away on a partner who did not appreciate them whatever other good reasons there were for staying, and time was running out. Why was it that only she seemed to realise what was happening? She had started to hear the clocks ticking louder than usual in the house and knew that this was not a good sign. On her way to work a fury came over her as the tube flashed through the tunnels .That is kind of funny isn’t it she thought? She began laughing quietly to herself at the stupidity of it all before she realised that she was laughing out loud. Everyone around her started staring or turning away. She heard one woman say, “She could be on drugs” She felt so upset inside that it was hard to focus; colours appeared in front of her eyes. She knew that she must get back in control she blinked and made the colours go away.  When the tube stopped at Green Park she stumbled off the train and found an empty space on the platform, sat down and started to cry. She no longer cared about getting to work checking samples; writing forensic reports, going to meetings even; sitting on the platform floor crying didn’t seem like anything at all. The cold concrete under her body felt real, solid and good.

Then a man stopped, he was smartly dressed and probably on his way to work. He was about 28 years old; his eyes looked kind and remarkably mature. He bent down and placed his briefcase on the floor “Can I do anything to help?  She looked in the distance and saw the image of the golden ball bouncing across the hills into infinity. “Yes” she said. “Ring him, ring Mark my husband and tell him where I am. He has fallen totally in love with computers. Tell him I cant stand it any more” she started to laugh and cry again “Did you think I as going to say another woman, oh no its not that he has fallen for the whole world of the internet –  that bloody world wide web who can compete with that? She felt a little bit like when you are drunk but she hadn’t had any alcohol. “Call him please call him… please just tell him he might believe you” She desperately pressed the phone into the man’s hand with Mark’s pre programmed number showing on the screen. He touched her shoulder “Of course I will” She buried her face in her lap and listened to him making the call. What had she come to?

She heard him say “Is that Mark? You better come I am with your wife at Green Park tube station and she is very, very distressed ” The words played around in her mind “Your wife is very, very distressed…this man who didn’t even know her could see that, so why couldn’t he? 

He did come, and for a while he was like his old self again, very tender she could see so much of the person he used to be, she wished that there had been a day when he changed dramatically and his old self walked right out of the door,  not this slow change that hurt so much.  . He held her and she could feel the warmth of his body she longed for him to love her again, the way he used to. Different tears fell.

She still felt chilled inside from the station and the winter air. As they went home together she thought that her love for him would overwhelm her and that she would make a fool of herself.  At home they had a mixture of coffee, brandy and music in the conservatory. The wind blew hard against the glass panes she watched a small bird holding onto a branch despite the bitter blasts. All of the other birds had flown off but not this one it hung on alone. She sipped the warm drink.

Later that night she opened the conservatory door and let the cold wind blow all around her it soothed the pain. Then she called in to Mark and asked him to listen carefully “Before I go to sleep tonight Mark I want to know if you will get rid of every single computer in our home by Monday. Don’t say that I’m putting you under any pressure because I asked you eighteen months ago to do this and am still waiting for an answer. I would rather get divorced than live like this. Just saying that word hurt but she meant it. “I wished that you loved me like you used to.”  He looked away from her in a way that even she had never seen before, perhaps that look was hatred. So she gave him a way out “Perhaps it is time for you and I to say goodbye”

‘Computers are like your new wife and child to me. I don’t want to be on-line in this house any more. Get rid of the Internet. We have both got it at work, Claire is in a computer clubs at school, can’t you see that any more than that is ruining our lives? She stood back from him she felt like she was in a solicitor’s office swearing an oath. “I therefore am asking you to give me your answer before I go to sleep tonight no discussion, no debate or argument just tell me Yes or No and I will accept it, what ever your answer is”. It was simple, there was going to be an outcome one-way or another and she was not afraid of the answer whatever he decided. All that was needed was a decision.  It was there only hope. If he kept the machines then so be it. She would end her marriage to him; perhaps it would be a relief.

In the shower a million beads of water hit against her head and body the French perfumed shower gel took her away for a few seconds to a place far away.

Later lying in bed listening to the radio she felt more relaxed than she had done for a long time. She felt a freedom inside knowing she was strong enough to let it end and knowing one way or another decision would be made. The persuading, hoping and pleading had finished she had nothing left. He had ruined everything she just hadn’t fully admitted it yet. “I’m going to read in bed for an hour or so come into the bedroom and tell me your answer when you are ready, if I fall asleep wake me up – its time to decide Mark. There is no more tomorrows.”
Nearly two hours went by neither sleep or Mark came. Then just as the strange world of sleep did start to fall he walked in and sat on the bed, there was a sight scent of his sophisticated aftershave it had the effect of smelling salts and made her wake up. His manner was like a doctor talking to a patient although the closeness between them had gone..  His favourite barbers in Putney had cut his light brown hair very short recently, somehow it highlighted his green eyes more than usual, he looked handsome in his charcoal grey coloured suit, she looked away she didn’t want to get distracted.

He held her hand but the expression in his eyes was cold “Starting from tomorrow the computers will go - all of them, you are right its time for something new” She didn’t have the right reply in her mind. They just kind of looked at each other as if across a stony empty beach, the tide was out and a lonely sounding wind blew between them. Followed by a sound in her head, something  like that of the singing sands in the deserts of China. “I have thought about the many things you have said and I agree, the computers will all go.” Starting from tomorrow”, he said again “It will take a couple of weeks to sell them all but I will unplug them and put them in the garage in the morning.” You won’t have to share the house with computers any longer.” This is what she wanted, this is what she had hoped and longed for, she could hardly believe he was agreeing. She touched his hand - it felt so cold.
At about 3am he woke her up asked her if he could put the radio on and make some toast and drinks for them both, he put his arms around her and held her tightly. Could it be the way it used to be back in time?  Doing things on spec going out for walks in the middle of the night if one of them couldn’t sleep, having midnight coffees or glasses of wine under the trees in their own garden, she loved his unconventionality. She knew it would take a while but she was sure he would soon become his old self again..

Later that week she told Sylvia, a friend from work how well it was now working out with Mark. She had confided in Sylvia about the whole computer take over thing right from the start. Her friend was a little surprised at the grand change as she listened she sipped her coffee slowly, frowned slightly and said “Can I ask you - did he ever tell you what this was really all about? I am just not sure that getting rid of the computers is the full answer, I am a cynic I know but I can’t help thinking there is something else. Nothing would quell Anna’s optimism “No you are wrong - now the computers have gone the real Mark will return.” For a moment she saw the image of the magical transparent ball with the golden shape of a man in it slowly rolling down giant green hills far away from her . . . . . . . . . .the ice stirred. She made it disappear . . .

Life at work was good, her promotion in the forensics department meant more money, meetings in the city which she enjoyed and,  even better than that she was part of the policy making team that was a position she had been interested in for a long time. Not many women used to make it in there. She now travelled quite a lot in either an advisory or policymaking role.

The computers vanished . . . one by one like malevolent flowers plucked from the house. She felt younger, fresher, and cleaner. Space returned and a natural quietness descended on the house she hadn’t realised how loud the machines were. Instead of a constant hum from the hard drives– normal sounds and silences filled the air. It was hard to explain to anyone how good it felt for the house to be well, more like a home. It had felt like one large office. It also made her realise just how much she had put up with. Down in her garden stood two oak trees and a few apple trees; she liked to look at without panes of glass being in the way. Even though it was winter she often opened her bedroom window to feel the air moving around in the room but this day it was as though she could hear the birds singing on the branches for the first time since the machines moved in. After the last computer disappeared she received a bunch of fresh sparkling sunflowers at work, attached to them by a golden ribbon were tickets for a long weekend in Prague. So here was Mark acting just like he used to. That meant that in time things would get back to normal too, his love for her - that was what she longed for most; people get back to normal after affairs despite the humiliation and hurt didn’t they? The question is however - Do you ever look at that person in the same way? Do you really love them again she wondered.   She longed to feel secure; happy like she used to. She wanted that feeling of knowing that she was the most important thing in his life to return, but somehow she couldn’t get the feeling back. Just thinking of what a precious thing that was lost she smashed her beautiful antique tea pot on the tiled kitchen floor, as she watched it smash into tiny pieces she felt somewhat better. She spoke to the floor “beautiful things very often don’t last forever; love should have lasted longer than china for Christ’s sake”
The intense love did not return, she didn’t expect it to, not straight away. The chasm of loneliness was filled mainly by work. She spent quite a lot of her time travelling to meetings often with Sylvia who was also from the Forensic Policy unit. On this day she glanced out of the train window, wild flowers fringed the track. Houses appeared and disappeared at the window then hailstones hit the glass like dozens of ceramic beads.  Sylvia knew a lot about the issues with Mark’s computer hobby, she had seen how unhappy Anna had become. The small team worked very close together in the government forensics department and maybe because of the nature of the work they often knew a lot about each other’s lives.
“How are things now with you and Mark now, it must be a relief to get all of those computers out of your house?”  Anna looked out at the world moving quickly past the train window then back into the warmth and safety of the carriage “Well our relationship hasn’t gone back to how it was before – not yet, how could it so soon? Somehow I thought it would the minute the computers disappeared; I have got a lot of things wrong lately though. ” She laughed a little. “It’s been such a strange eighteen months Sylvia” For a moment pain flickered across her eyes. The ice cracked again in her heart. “Well at least the computers have all gone, that is good isn’t it?” “I am so glad to hear that there are no computers in your home Anna, I never thought that I would see that day, she smiled “ I know it’s caused problems for you.” The team were not judgemental of each other but strong and good friends when things went wrong. Sylvia picked up her copy of Vogue magazine and sighed, “You know quite often I am so glad that I am not married it sounds far too complicated and devious to me. Still there is no harm in my looking for a suitable partner just in case.” They both laughed. “Look, how about when the train pulls in we go for a meal we could go to that Cantonese restaurant Wok’s Hall, the place run by Michael, the Hong Kong guy?

“Sylvia you have been such a good friend to me but Mark will be waiting I can’t do it tonight, next week definitely. I don’t know how he fills his time in the evenings without his computers when I am working late” They both laughed, Sylvia’s laugh was a little too loud “I am going to open a bottle of good champagne tonight as little Claire is staying with my parents, pretty good organisation don’t you think!”

When she arrived home the house was in darkness, perhaps Claire was ill and Mark had gone to collect her. He might have called round to see Paul and Sally local friends of theirs , they lived in a small mews house near by, their front door was covered in Wisteria, with its pretty windows it reminded her of the house that Hansel and Gretel were lured into. Better still he might have gone to get a take away meal ready to heat up when she returned. Well tonight they were going to open one of their best bottles of vintage champagne there would be just the two of them in the house.  Earlier she had told him not to expect her until around 8pm instead she was quite early. The house felt cold and empty she realised the heating had not been on at all that day, so he hadn’t come home yet.

She had met Mark for the first time when she was just fifteen. That came into her mind as she stood in the cold lounge.  He asked her to play tennis with him, and so it began. It was an innocent enough kind of love, if adult love ever can be. Everyone said the relationship was similar to a holiday romance.  When she was sixteen he went away to university, it was a strange feeling after he had gone: she went out into the garden and even the grass and the trees looked grey. It was as if some Greek God saw the sadness in her heart and as an act of sympathy drained the colour from everything in the world.. She was careful to hide her pain; her mother simply said, “Don’t wait for him Anna you have got your own studies and your own life to lead. He may forget you” The pain was like glass scraping across her heart.  She lied “No I won’t wait for him he will probably meet someone at university anyway, but will you let me see him in the holidays if we both still want to?” Her parents were liberal and trusting and they simply said yes of course she could. That was more than a relief he was the strongest desire in her life, they had no idea how deep it went.

He wrote to her every few days …… one of the first letters said, “I will never forget you, I want you to marry me one day” She told no one but kept the letter in bed next to her for months, and so it happened. There was no one else for her. There never had been, it sounded naïve, innocent foolish maybe but that was just simply how it was. Some times it really is just like that.

She put the champagne in the fridge and the central heating on. Hung up a new cream dress she had bought in London, she would try it on in the morning. She put on her white silk pyjamas and walked in to the office, in innocence, for the last time.

Mark usually left the newspaper in there after he read it knowing that she used to sit on the chair overlooking the garden to read. As she walked in she saw the newspaper on his desk, but her eyes were immediately drawn to a white envelope on the chair.. Her name was written in bright turquoise ink. She could hear Matt Monroe singing the music from ‘The Italian Job’. In a crises situation she often heard pieces of music in her head, she had a cousin who told her that she often saw colours at traumatic moments.

It wasn’t a Dear John letter just Dear Anna ………. ‘ This has got to be  the worse way for us of all people to end , but I just can’t face you right now. I have been as unhappy as you have over the past two years, if not longer - for you it was the computers, for me it was everything. What has gone wrong it’s hard to say, just everything - I never want to come home at night any more. You haven’t done anything wrong and you don’t deserve for me to tell you in a note like this but I can’t carry on its just not possible. I would just make all of us more unhappy than I have already done. It is clear to me that I don’t love you. I never thought that you could stop loving someone, but I have. I did have feelings for a man a couple of years ago and I think that the experience changed me completely. There is no one else right now, I am only telling you about the man because you deserve the truth. I am not telling you this to hurt you.

She felt sick but no tears came, so he had disappeared like a thieve in the night. Strangely she felt immense relief this was a clear cut end of their love. She knew that she was in shock and that the pain had not kicked in yet but she could never want him back after this.
There was emptiness lapping like the sea around her feet, but at last the trueth. With trueth comes freedom for so many things.

She knew immediately that it was over, he had left her, it was probably the best thing he had done for her for two years. Sad as she was she did feel a sense of relief with the pain ,  after all that she had gone through she would at least never have to wonder if he really loved her or not again. This was his answer.

Before going out she put the heating up higher than usual, to a level that she knew Mark would not approve of. Thinking about it there were a lot of things that Mark didn’t approve of, she had spent so much time and effort fitting in with him to make his life happy. She still put the champagne in the fridge as planned and went out to the local Cantonese restaurant to get a take away, fresh air and to think. Waves of shock and relief continued to blast through her. She did wonder how she would deal with some practical things, he said in the letter he would call her to sort out the bills etc he was reliable about finances. He wrote that he would talk to Claire himself about his leaving and she really believed that that was the only way.

Walking down the dark road it was as if she could see beautiful lights sparkling in the darkness, perfumed plants and flowers seemed to be all around and she could hear French songs in her head... None of this was real.. Ever since she was a child, whenever bad things happened she would have to think of wonderful things to get through it all , a sort of day dreaming. It didn’t fill her with dread just excitement. Why then had she been so upset before…well that was the time when he was slowly revealing the end of his love affair with her and it was painful. Now that she knew without doubt that he didn’t love her she felt free to let him go and start again.

In bed that night she spread out in a star shape on the king-size bed. I am better off without you Mark. I will move on . . . . . . . She felt strangely content.. ….. She didn’t fear being alone – she held more fear of being with someone who didn’t really want to be with her. Anyway she had Claire her daughter who filled her heart with happiness and concern but most of all love, life would be good again, she felt sure.

She decided not to tell anyone that they had split… not yet. She wished to savour the thoughts of her new life by herself first. She awoke to sunny skies and decided to go for a walk along the High Street; it was a sharp sunny day with a fresh breeze. It would be half term soon and she could take Claire on holiday, just the two of them. She had never had that opportunity before.

Happily she went into the travel agents and picked up a selection of brochures then went into a restaurant for lunch to look at them. Paintings adorned the walls and Italian music played lightly in the background.  The brochures for Cyprus looked good and so  she decided to just book it, Anna knew that she was going to be very happy again like when she was young and excited by the corridors and halls of life that were before her. It was like entering a beautiful building and selecting rooms and attics, secret doors and corridors to enter or not. Life would be like that again. She would look forward to the element of surprise.It would of course be different, perhaps even better?

By the beginning of half term Anna and Claire were to be found at Paphos airport in Cyprus, the mystic home of Aphrodite, the goddess of love. As they emerged from the plane a mixture of lemon and white sunlight and crystal blue skies met them. She thought of the holiday brochure that had inspired her to pick the hotel, there were Cypriot Island flowers and orange and lemon trees surrounding the building. The smell of the sea and the brilliant blue sky enhanced the scene. On the way to the hotel in the air conditioned coach they passed banana plantations, olive tree farms and fig trees growing near to some dusty Cyprus roads. Beautiful flowers were everywhere with villas dotted in-between., and then there were  houses with balconies furnished with pots of flowers and washing lines.

The hotel itself was slightly older than the more modern types. Flowers and old Greek trees led down to a swimming pool and restaurant. As soon as they arrived Claire reminded her that she had promised her that she could join the ‘Kids Club ‘so after booking in and looking  around their room with its balcony overlooking the garden they went down to register.

That first night in Cypress she slept deeply, so tired from travelling yet so relaxed to be there. The smell of citrus trees and evening air drifted through the open window as they slept and when she awoke she went down to the terrace restaurant for breakfast with Claire, then walked down to the Kids Club where other nine year olds were already painting shells and sticking them to boxes with bright coloured silk lining.  Under a shady sun umbrella she opened her beach bag and took out a copy of Sarah Dunant’s novel ‘Mapping The Edge.’ as well as two other novels she had wanted to read for some time  . . . . . . and so the week began.  Happily she thought this really is the first month of the rest of my life without him and all the possibilities it will bring.  She could see that there would be some hard times and disappointments on this new adventure, but there was light and the promise of a more lasting happiness one day. In her mind he was no longer her husband, she would try and think of the really happy days because they did have so many, more than many people get in a whole lifetime. He was Claire’s father and she was confident that he would always be good to her.

She couldn’t pretend that her heart wouldn’t be moved whenever he walked into a room, love for someone doesn’t vanish over night - but she had already decided she would see as little of him as possible.

He had changed and wanted to move on; so should she. It was important to be strong. Every time she found herself thinking of him in any romantic light she would remember that he no longer loved her and remembered the bad times with the computers. You can’t make someone love you, although there were times early in the morning, during the night or in the lift at work when she briefly cried hard, some days her body felt like it was made of paper.

Well tonight Claire was going to the children’s’ fancy dress party where she would be looked after by the local Cypriot ladies. Anna had received an invitation for cocktails and to meet the hotel managers and other guests. She took out a beautiful simple cream dress and evening sandals, lightly sprayed a fine layer of gold  glitter in her shoulder length dark hair, put her perfume and purse in a jewelled evening bag she had been given last Christmas and headed happily down to meet the others for cocktails. She was looking forward to some time with other adults.

She had not been the kind of woman who never went anywhere without her husband,  she had her own career and often had to go to social functions without Mark but she had always known that he was there to go home to, to fall asleep with, to talk to or just be with and feel so comfortable. This would be the first time she would be out socialising knowing that when it was all over and she went back to her room he wouldn’t be in bed or in the kitchen or reading and relaxing in the lounge, he wouldn’t be anywhere that she would know much about ever again. That was such a strange thought – he had been her best friend for so long. For a moment it hurt to breath, and then she smiled outwardly and carried on.

As she blinked in the twilight she saw Sophie’s painting of the man inside the golden transparent ball, he showed no emotion as the ball gently, silently turned and fell down the green hills and out of view.. She blinked slowly to make the image go away. Four women were drinking near to the reception bar,  she had coffee with two of them earlier and so she asked them if it was all right to join them they said ‘Yes the more the merrier’ she was glad to be part of their liveliness. Darkness was falling slowly, three chefs were cooking on the terraces, and lights like Olympic torches lit up the area with their flames. The open air cooking smelled good. The hotel overlooked the beach where the waves slowly turned to black as night fell.

The four women had travelled from different countries to be in Cyprus, two from England one from Brisbane, Australia and one from Ireland; there would surely be plenty to talk about. She thought about the evening ahead, the holiday here with Claire and then how in a couple of weeks she would be going home to a new life with her daughter, Anna knew that everything would be different. Sometimes you don’t fully realise that a fresh start can be a good thing. Although a love that is lost always leaves a shadow.

Music could be heard from inside the hotel an over 40’s dance was being held that night. She would have laughed at the idea a few years ago, now she was just looking forward to finding other people who thought it was a good idea too. She smiled to herself, she was one of them. She could book hotel baby-sitting or plain old “sitting” as Claire insisted on it being called now, quite understandable. It would be easy to go up to their room to check on Claire and the sitter every hour. She asked the other woman if they were going – it turned out they had been to two of these events already and had been looking forward to this one all day! Vanessa the woman from Australia described a couple of cameramen they had met at the previous dance – “they are coming tonight I will introduce you”. They laughed looking forward to the music, the lovely surroundings of the plantation style club and the company and relaxation. She passed a long mirror her silk blue dress complimented her dark hair she looked good and felt it. That night they had to pass two banana trees palms at the entrance to the hotel nightclub, the edge of the leaf touched her cheek and made her close her eyes , she wished that he was there with her just for a second.

While they sat at the bar ordering cocktails she felt that this night the world seemed bright in a new way. She sipped the cool drink and looked around at all the fresh faces many of them looking for a fresh start like her; she was so looking forward to life from now on. A girl sang an Edith Piaf song in the background.

She wouldn’t drink more than one of these cocktails; she wanted to savour with clarity everything around her. Conversations, friends, work and life in general, she felt a little bit like people she had watched being interviewed on television who had been very ill but who had survived or people who had a near death experience and found that every ordinary thing in life became exhilarating and precious. That was just how she felt; so lucky to have another chance. It felt magical to be alive and part of everything once more.  She hadn’t realised how isolated she had become with Mark.  The soft French music enveloped her. The cool air conditioning moved the fine material of her dress against her bare legs she watched a tallish man with fair hair approach – she just knew he was going to ask her to dance. She wasn’t expecting a magical ending tonight but she was excited that a new life with new experiences was starting to happen right now. As she danced close to him she breathed in his Versace aftershave and felt the thrill of attraction once more.  A new life was gently stirring. Despite that she knew that she must get over Mark —in any or whatever way she could. Everyone deserves to be happy.

After she returned to London, Lily a friend for many years told her plainly that she had seen Mark holding hands with the same man a number of times.. Someone else said they seen him in a car with a woman. Lily said “Who knows what is true about him; don’t torture yourself just let him go”. That was right, who he was with now didn’t matter, she just knew it would never be her again. The water lapped right up to her knees and colour drained from everything for just a moment.

One Friday she received a note from Lily’ I’ve met someone that I can’t stop thinking about. Now that isn’t like me is it? If you can fall in love from one meeting then I think I have! Anyway come and meet him.’  There was a little silver invitation card to a dinner party it was decorated with tiny coloured balloons. ‘There will be some interesting people at the party who are really good to be with.  Perhaps, she suggested you would host your own dinner party one day soon? I remember you telling me that when you were twenty you used to translate French, German and Hungarian recipes from books and cook the dishes for your friends. Sort of hit and miss dinner parties and that sometimes they would go really wrong!  I would love it if you would do that again and include me on your invite list. What do you think?”  The past and the future stirred all around her like a slow motion wave. Yes, she thought I should do that.

She flicked through her magazine and saw an advert for Alcoholics Anonymous; probably there was one in there somewhere for gamblers anonymous and drug rehabilitation but nothing for those addicted to the Internet. Perhaps that was the future. She wondered if the Amount of addiction would really hit the headlines soon in the way that it should.  She knew they must be out there though - men and woman suffering while their partners surfed the net without a spray of the sea in sight, children feeling lonely too.  Secret lives, deceit on the Internet or just people addicted to it, leaving little else for lovers and family or friends around them. It was now just so wonderful not to be surrounded by zip files, windows operating systems, adobe Photoshop, mega bites, pixels, and all the rest of the language that goes with computers. Funny really because she had never been against computers, infact had been very keen to use them at work and home. Anna even bought Mark his very first machine. She could hardly believe that now it was a present; thinking it would be a good thing for when he was at home and wanted to do something different -  you just couldn’t make the rest up could you?

Short stories include: The Webmasters Wife, The Christmas Message, The Partner, The Old Girls Trip To The House of Lords, What Was Left - these are just five of the titles you will receive out of your fifty-two. Click here to read extracts of the stories.

Would you like to go to bed every Thursday night, knowing as you fall asleep that for the next fifty-two weeks you will wake up on Friday morning to an original, unique short story created by me in your e-mail box ,followed by one every Friday morning for the next fifty-two weeks. Pay one pound in total and receive all fifty-two – Lucinda.

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The Webmaster’s Wife

"Anna sat opposite to her husband Mark in the bookshop’s cafe. It felt to her that he was slipping away like a golden magical ball with a momentum all of its own slowly disappearing over green rolling hills silently without drama but definitely, as if by magic vanishing."

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The Christmas Message

"The lift door opened, a woman was already in there, she smiled a little but Sarah couldn’t help noticing how sad and tired she looked. Her hair was pale blond her eyes barely blue – and she was dressed almost in summer clothes, a white embroidered gypsy top and turquoise long skirt with pink sandals; there was a guitar by her feet."

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The Partner

"Tim turned the wheel of the car and drove onto the broad drive of a gothic period house that had been converted into a restaurant and hotel. 'This is one of my favourite eating-places”; He said without looking at her - yet during the twelve months that she had known him he had never mentioned the place before."

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Art For Sale

Sophie J Rush

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